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So, I think this is the first time I'm writing about actually being annoyed with M.  It's moments like these that I think he isn't the one and he isn't right for me and that I should break up with him.  And yes, I know it's petty, but I can't help how I feel, can I?

I had planned on going to see M today, but my sister woke up and felt nauseous.  She ended up vomiting (water, because she didn't really have anything to throw up) and I ended up staying home to make sure she was okay.  I'm on the phone with M right now, and at the start of the convo:

M: Do you have a day off tomorrow?
Me: No, I have class.
Ohh.  I have a day off tomorrow.
And I wish you had told me earlier.  I would've come to visit you today.
Really?  You would've come to visit me?
Yeah, because [three of his friends] said today was like the only day that would be good for them for me to visit.
So, you're not coming tomorrow?
No, because [his three friends] have class and group projects and things.  It wouldn't be good for them.
Aw, but I'm home alone tomorrow.
But you're busy with school.
Says you.  I did all of my work.

I know it's petty, but I'm just annoyed and hurt.  So, what, you can drive two hours to see your friends, you can drive two hours to see your friends and maybe visit/see me for a brief moment, but you can't drive two hours to only see me?  M has been down my way without stopping by before, and it made me disappointed then, but now I'm really hurt.  If I were to be rational, I would say that it was selective hearing, but I all I heard was "No, I can't come because it's inconvenient for my friends."  I'm asking you to come visit me, not them.  I know you'd want to see them too, but you've gone to see them without even seeing me before.  Do I lack that much importance?  Where do I stand with you?  You say you love me and that you're going to marry me and we're going to have 22 kids, but for some reason all I can hear is "me."  Again, probably selective hearing, or I'm just reading too much into things, or I don't know him well enough to know what the signs are that he's thinking about me, but I can't help but feel he doesn't go out of his way to do anything for me.  My sister said once that his primary reason for driving the two hours this way was to see me, but I don't feel it.  I barely see him when he's here anyway, and I had to basically beg him to come visit me before he left the last time.

I can't help but feel unloved.

That's probably not fair, though, because I don't know if I love him- but these are some of the reasons why.

I'm reading too much into things again, aren't I?

It's just...I feel like he's thinking only about his conveniences.  I thought love was about sometimes going out of your way for the person you love.  Sacrifices.  Then again, have I made many for him?  I always feel like I want to see him more than he wants to see me; I suggest a time when we're both free, but he seems to have to have the whole day off in order for me to visit.  I want to just see him when I can, because otherwise we won't be seeing each other for another month.  I asked if he had next Weds off, because i didn't have class, and I know he didn't have class until late in the afternoon.  Honestly, if he has class at 5:30pm, why is it a problem if I visit at noon?  I would have to leave by 4pm anyway!

I'm almost tempted to let him read this post, but I know that's a bad idea.  It's just that, recently I think I've been having more thoughts of breaking up, but at the same time, I've had more thoughts of, "Oh, what if we do get married?"  This is just a passing emotion, not to say it won't return, but I'm wondering if this is enough to say definitely that I'm not in love with him and if it's enough that I should break up with him.  I'm so bad at this.  I think the answer is that I should let him know (COMMUNICATION) but I'm a coward and I hate confrontation.  Silent/cool treatment is the way I typically go...

Shit I've been crying this whole time.  I just...I don't think this is enough.  Whatever memories we've made and however much I've learned about him, I don't think what we have is enough.  Something is missing.  Maybe it's my committment?  Maybe it's me?  Maybe it's all in my head because I'm not mentally healthy.  I don't love myself, and I don't feel comfortable with myself.  I'm not happy.  And like they say, how can I be happy with someone else if I'm not happy with myself?
So, I have some random bits of conversations that I haven't had the opportunity to type up.

Thursday, March 17, 2016
M: Do you want to get married at 22?
Me: Uhh, what?  Do you want to get married at 22?
Umm, I don't know.  I have a love-hate relationship with commitment.  I like stablity but I'm afraid of commitment.
I don't know.
But why?
I don't know.  Because...because does anything ever really last?
Yeah.  My love for you.
What?  You sound fuzzy.
My love for you will.

Friday, April 15, 2016
I woke up at 11:50am, which was terrible because I had an audit exam that day at 2:30pm.  I had meant to get up earlier, but my phone had died during the night so my alarm didn't go off and I didn't get M's call, which usually wakes me up.  To be clear, my phone never dies, because I'm always aware of how much battery I have left; in short, it's always charged.  It only died the night before because M and I fell asleep while talking to each other and neither of us hung up (so the call showed as being 4 or 5hrs long).

In any case, M called me that morning and after a short conversation, he asked, "Okay, do you want me to hang up?"  "Uh, yes, please and thank you.  I need to study or I'm going to fail."  After studying a little, he called me at about 1:15pm:

M: I have something reeeeeaaaally important to tell you.  I love you.  Okay, bye.
Me: O...kay...bye?
M: *hangs up*

Also, yesterday he called me after he was at a friend's friend's get-together and I think he was in a serious "missing-Me" mood.  He said, "I miss you," at least four times over the course of our conversation.  Before I fell asleep, the last thing I remember was:

M: You know, I miiiiss you.
Me:  Aww, I miss you too. (half-asleep)
I love you.

Or, it was something like that. I think I fell asleep after.  Heh.

Part 39: Happy Moment

12:09am Wednesday, March 2, 2016

Just got off the phone with M.

M: Good night, baby.
Me: Going to sleep?
Okay, good night.
Good night, I love you.
You too,
Kisses.  Muah.
*smile* Good night.
You didn't give me a good night kiss!
*pause*  Muah.
Yay.  Okay, bye,

Strange, that.  He called me "baby" quite a bit today.  I got to work today at 8:30am and my senior was in the office because he went to vote this morning and so he told me to leave at 4:30pm.  In any case, I got out of work a little early today and M called me when I was on the bus:

M: Hi baby!
Me: Hi
Okay bye.
Are you at work?
No, I'm on the bus.
Oh, you got out early?
Yeah, because I got in early.
I miss your voice.  So soothing, and calm.  You didn't come this morning and I missed you.
Aw, I know, me too.

Oh, but this past weekend was really good.  Saturday morning, he texted me and we ended up having dim sum for brunch by his house.  We also got boba (his was almond and mine was taro), I met his friend's ex-gf who is kind of his friend still, and we walked around this Chinese supermarket and I bought green tea Pocky and some face masks and koala snacks for ChuChu.  It was a really nice day.

On Sunday, I think that was the happiest I'd been in a while.  After lunch, Ming and I went shopping at a place called "Love Culture" and also at a Macy's.  I successfully bought jeans, a skirt, and a nice tank at that first place, but the cashier took forever and I almost didn't want to buy anything anymore it was taking so long.  After the mall, we also went to Star Market (my first time ever) and Ming had me buy ingredients for pasta.  She informed me that she had already bought two jars of the sauce, and I was surprised; it would seem that she really liked my pasta, yay!

After that, she and I went home and had a nice long conversation about my mother, the worries of mothers, my future in accounting, and school.  At around 6pm, I left for M's house.  We got sushi with Sunshine, and it was a really nice meal and a nice evening, minus the terrible martini M and I ordered to share.  It was an "almond joy" martini and it was probably the worst alcohol I've had.  At one point, when I paid for the meal and as I was signing the receipt, I heard, "I thought she was supposed to be the smart one" come from M's mouth.  I ignored it and focused on calculating tip.  When I turned back, M and Sunshine looked at me.  After a few minutes, Sunshine pulled my credit card out of his wallet and place it in front of me.  I stared at it blankly, my first thought being that Sunshine had the same credit card as mine and he had switched it out with the check to pay for the meal, which caused me to feel disappointed and sad I hadn't noticed.  Then I realized it was because M had just taken my credit card as I was signing the receipt and told Sunshine to hide it.  I made M apologize to me.  He thinks he was apologizing for taking my credit card.  He was really apologizing for saying "I thought she was supposed to be the smart one."  1)  I don't like being insulted and 2) I don't like being tricked.  I feel stupid and sad and I just really don't like it.

In any case, when M and I got back to the car, he seemed a bit worried that I was really mad.  I wasn't particularly mad, I was just...hurt.  He pouted and I told him I was okay.

When we got to his house, he called Ari downstairs and when she saw me, her reaction was so freaking cute that it made me smile.  She jumped up at me and her tail was going fifty miles an hour and she pawed at me and she was so happy I was there that I felt so happy that she loved me.  M called his parents down from their room and told them that I wanted to say "hi," and when they came down, the four of us chatted for a while.  Then we all headed upstairs and M and I were hanging in his room when his sister came in.  It was nice, sitting on his bed with the two of them.  And then what really made my night was when Ari came to me to lie down, and she rested her head on my stomach/hip area.  She snuggled into my arm as I petted her.

As his sister kept talking, M kept giving me a look, and then a sideways glance at his sister.  Lol.  When I had to leave, we went downstairs.  I hugged him and leaned my forehead against his chest- I love the flat plain of a guy's chest, I've found, and broad shoulders- and just as he was about to kiss me, we heard someone come downstairs.  We pulled away from each other.  It was his sister coming down to check on the laundry.  I started laughing/giggling as he called out to her and response and I leaned into him a few more times.  He sounded exasperated and it was hilarious.  He tried to kiss me again, but then said, "Ugh, we can't, that'll be awkward."  So I walked closer to the door and once he pulled the door open, he felt comfortable enough that no one could see us.  I felt his hand around my back, holding on to the right side of my waist.  I twisted to my left and he kissed me with a bit of intensity for a few minutes, and then I left.  I don't know why, but I was just really happy that day.  It must've been Ari's reaction to me.  Loooove her.



It happened.

Not that that.


I touched his dick for the first time.

And gave him a handjob.

Quite an interesting previous week.

I probably should've blogged about it when it happened so it would be fresh in my memory, but alas, the waves of time have eroded the memories a bit.  I think the first time I touched it was this past Tuesday, I think.  I don't remember much, but I'm sure we had made out a little.  We were probably snuggling, and I think I was cuddled up to his right side.  My hand had made its way down to his pelvis, and as we were kissing, I was rubbing him through his sweats.  Between kissing, he said, "Inside?" and I felt him lift the fabric of his pants.  I almost immediately stuck my hand in, assuming that he had just pulled his sweatpants away and had left his underwear, but I was surprisingly met with skin.  I tried to recover from my shock and played around with it a little.  It's a strange appendage, truly.  It was hard, but soft, firm, but the skin was so strangely malleable, and shifted so easily.  I felt his penis, but I don't think I saw it that day.

The next morning, I was on his left.  I'm sure we had made out, as we do, and I was giving him a belly rub, as he likes.  After a while, I put my hand on his right hip, then after that, poked it and said, "Hip bone."  He replied, "Hip bone?"  I drifted my hand across his skin to his left hip, poked it, and said again, "Hip bone."  I think I brought my hand back to his other side and rested it there.

M:  Why are you teasing me?

I was surprised.  I hadn't realized I had been, but I smiled, kissed his neck, and said, "Because it's fun."

My hand was below his belly button now, and as I felt him lift up the edge of his sweatpants, he said, "Look at what you did."  I felt his hard-on resting on top of my hand.

Me:  Wow, already?
M:  It's been like that.
Uhm hmm.

So, after a pause, after deciding what to do, I started playing around with it.

That night, M got out of work and was going to Walmart.  He picked up a few things, I introduced him to the gloriousness that is Honey Bunches of Oats (he got the almond kind and told me later that he likes the cereal, score! for me), and told him that "Canada Dry or Schweppes?" isn't even a question, because Canada Dry.  When he was driving home, he warned me: "By the way, I'm just telling you now that since I went to the gym today, I'm going to be really playful tomorrow.  And I'm probably going to keep trying to touch you or pressure you into doing things, but you can just slap me away and tell me no.  Even though I'll probably keep trying.  But you can slap me away."  LOL.

Yeah, the next morning, he was really "playful."  "Frisky" may be a better word.  It was a series of kissing and making out and grinding and cursing my slacks and he kept rubbing Vivian.  He also sucked on my left nipple, which was an interesting sensation, mostly because I thought I would feel more than I did.  It didn't feel like anything much, really.  Maybe I just wasn't into it enough.  And I'm trying to remember now but I can't quite.  In any case, I think he must've guided my hand down to his penis.  It was my first attempt at handjob, and I asked him to tell me to adjust pressure and speed.  It was okay, doubt it was that great, but I did see his dick for the first time, and I think this was also the first time he'd been so hard.  Oh, also, I think he's uncircumcised, because I'm pretty sure I felt hiim pull at the tip, and I think it was foreskin, but who knows.

In any case, it was quite an experience.  Eventually he took things into his own hands (pun intended) and helped himself the rest of the way because I just wasn't working.  After a few minutes he asked me to get him a tissue.  I did so, and as I kissed his neck, I believe he came.  Oh, and he's hands-down a grower.  Took me by surprise.  I don't know if I'm remembering correctly, but it seemed he grew from maybe four to a solid six or seven inches?  And the girth was pretty solid too.  Thumbs up, M, if you ever get to read this or find this blog.

What this has all shown me is that I really just prefer the snuggling/cuddling.  It makes me feel more loved.  Also, it's less work than grinding or jacking someone off- that requires a speed that I had no idea was needed.

So, since I've been going over M's house almost every morning since I started this client, we've had the time and the space to get pretty physical.  Make Out/Feel Up sessions are happening every few days, nearly every other day.

Monday, I think it was, I ended up staying at his house all day because of the snow.  My team had decided to all work from home, but I had already gotten to M's house when my senior called me.  The snow had already started, so I worked in M's room.  That night, after dinner, I think it was, he laid on his bed and I was lying down with my head on his chest.  He stroked my hair, which was really nice.

I think there were a few other things that I wanted to note, but now I can't remember because today was pretty intense.

I touched his hard-on for the first time.  Well, at least through his sweats.

It was a pretty average morning, but M was feeling especially...playful (?) (his word, not mine)...today.  Usually we just lie around for awhile and then we start kissing, feeling up a bit, whatever.  Today, though, it was pretty interesting because his mother was awake and I thought she was going to burst through his door any minute, so I kept pausing.  And his dog kept wanting to go in and out of the room, so I got up a couple times to let her in and out.

In what seemed like a few minutes of kissing and w/e, M pushed hiimself on top of me and started seriously getting into it.  I think I made a high noise from the back of my throat out of surprise/pleasure.  "Haha, what was that?" he asked.  "What?"  "That high-pitched 'ah.'"  "I don't know what you're talking about."  Well played, me, well played.  He kissed my neck for a good amount of time.  I think I'm getting things out of order, but I guess the order's not really important.  This is all just what I sort of remember.  In any case, I think I moved away from him again because I thought I heard his mother.  Wait, no I had to get up and let his dog into the room, and when I turned around, M said, "I'm really horny."  "You are really horny.  Why?  Are you having an exceptionallly good morning?"  "No.  Well, you're here!  And I don't know, I guess this is what usually happens after I work out."  (He worked out last night, apparently.)

M was on his back and he kept kissing my boobs (which he named Jessica and Jill, and just today he named my vagina Vivian), and then he started moving his hand to my crotch.  I sort of let him do his thing for a while, but it didn't really do anything for me because I was wearing slacks.  I playfully pushed his hand away a couple of times, and then after he gave up, I put my hands just inside the waistband of his pants, on his hipbone.  I started kissing his neck, and then moved my hand underneath the band of his sweatpants across to the other side of his hip, just grazing his pubic hair.  "Ohp, that's my penis," he said between my kissing him.  "Is it?" I asked back, "Mm, hip bone."  "Hip bone," he repeated.

I just remember his hand kept going for my crotch, so eventually, when we were both on our sides, kissing, I went for his.  It was strange and interesting and pretty great but also sort of freaked me out.  I could feel it twich through the jersey material, and I think I could feel it get harder as I rubbed it.  It was just such a strange appendage.  In any case, that went on for a good while, feeling each other up down there.

After a long while, it was 8:30am and I had to leave in 20mins.

M:  "So, what do you wanna do?  Do you wanna rest until you have to leave?"
Me: Can you rest? (I asked this because his dick seemd pretty hard)
*starts to readjust his body position to lie down on his back, like the fun is over*  Okay.

I pulled him toward me and kissed him.  He responded by climbing on top of me after a minute.  He went at my lips, and then went at my neck and after a few minutes, he discovered that he left me a hickey.  "What?!  Whyyyy?"  "It's okay."  "I have to go to work in ten minutes."  "Just...cover it with your hair."  "Sure, sure."  Oh, also, while he was kissing my neck, I remember thinking to myself that this must be close to what it feels like to have bruised lips.  It was weird to have your lips actually be sore after kissing so much.

Later, M called me and said, "It was weird, I was really playful today."  "Yes, you were."  "It's your fault."  "How is it my fault?!"  "You let it happen."

Also, just remembered something.  It was really very sweet.  We somehow got started talking about pressure points on the body and he started listing them.  He pointed out one in the hand, and I asked him to press on it.

Me: Do it.
M: No!
I just want to see how painful it is.  I've never experienced the pain of a pressure point before.
Because I don't ever want to hurt you.
Even if I ask for it?
I don't want you to get hurt.  And if you do get hurt, I don't want it to be because of me.
Okay, then just press on it a little bit.

Really, it was really sweet.  He's a good guy.  ^_^

Almost Lost

We'll keep this brief.  Saturday, Feb 6.  I made it home by 10am, drove to buy my mother's birthday gift (a Pandora charm) and doughnuts for my father and sister.  When I got back home, I shoveled all the ice off of the driveway and cleared the walkway by myself before my dad got home.  I'm still sore today and it's sad that I'm starting to feel the affects of getting old.

My dad got home around 1pm, surprised to see me.  I guess no one told him I was coming, oops.  But he seemed really happy to see me, and tried to make a lot of conversation.  My mother and sister got home around 1:30pm.  I started to prep all the food we had to cook for Chinese New Year the next day, and everything was pretty efficient.

I found out why my mother had been so seriously on my case for getting home early and driving safely.  She followed me into my bedroom and shut the door behind her.  "I'm sure you noticed what was missing in the garage."  "What?  Oh, the van.  I thought you drove that today."  "No," she said, looking at me, and I could feel the sinking in my stomach already, I already knew what she was going to say, "I got into an accident."  "What?  Why didn't you tell me?" I said as I started to cry, pulling her into a hug, "Why didn't you tell me?"  "I didn't want you to worry," she said, also crying, "I know you're already stressed out from work."

She explained.  "It happened right after you called me when you started working at your first client.  I was driving the van and I hit a patch of black ice, and I fell into a ditch.  The car almost flipped over, and all I could think about was that I was never going to see my kids again, that I would never get to see you and Dorjay again.  I was so scared, koun."

I couldn't say anything to her, I was just crying.

"It's okay, I'm okay, I'm not hurt.  No one else got hurt either.  I told your cousin when you were staying with her, and told her not to tell you.  Your aunt just found out too, I told her when we met up with you guys last weekend."  So that's why she had teared up when she hugged me.  I was like, "It's okay, Meh," when she had hugged me and teared up then.  Now I knew why she had reacted that way.

"That's not fair, Meh," I said into her shoulder, "That's not fair.  You should have told me."

"I didn't want you to worry."

"You should have told me."

"All I could think about was that I would never see you again.  This is why I keep getting on your nerves, telling you to go home early."  We were both still crying.  I went to grab a tissue, when went back to hugging her.  This time I sobbed more, harder, and tried to suppress the sounds into her shoulder.  "Shhh, koun, it's okay.  Don't let Papa hear you."  I nodded.  I didn't want him to hear either.  It must've been scary and worrisome enough for him already without having to deal with my sobbing to make the fear fresh.

We then went to buy a birthday gift for my mother's younger sister and drove to her house.  We spent a nice few hours there with my cousin and her baby, and all my other cousins.  When we got home, we had to cook and eat dinner and cook some more.  After, I stayed in my mother's room to try to help her figure out some computer issue.  It didn't work, whatever I did, and I brought my laptop in to do work in her room.  We switched sides of the bed.  She fell asleep, and then I knocked out next to her.  My sister woke me up and I dragged myself to my own bed.  I was dead tired.  It must've been an accumulation of tiredness from work, fatigue from shoveling ice all morning, learning about how I almost lost my mother and had no idea because NO ONE TOLD ME, and the cooking and the worrying over work.

I don't know how, but I did get out of bed and brush my teeth.  After that, I was more awake and was able to do my online trainings which were due today.  I also tried on HM clothes that I had ordered when they were on sale.

I fell asleep at 4am.  M called at about 6/7am and we talked while I was half awake.  Apparently he had to drive his brother to the airport and was on his way home.  He said to say hello to my mother, whom I had said was awake.  I don't really remember what else we talked about.  I fell asleep again, with the intention of getting up in an hour's time.  Instead, I didn't get up until 11am, when all the food had been cooked and the incense had been lit.  It was unusual.  I hadn't helped with any of the cooking in the morning, but I was grateful.  I felt exhausted when I woke up.

We did the Chinese New Year ceremony stuff and after laundry, my parents went to go look at cars briefly.  I spent a nice time with my sister going food shopping at Stop and Shop, and then we got home around 3:50pm.  I was supposed to leave around 3:30 or 4pm, but my parents were on their way home again so I waited to leave until they arrived.  We said goodbye, and I ended up leaving at around 4:45pm.  There was surprisingly no traffic and few cars, though I did keep ending up behind this one grey sedan that was in the left lane and refused to go faster or move over.  Two or three times I ended up behind that assjack, and I had no idea how.  In any case, I got back to the house at around 6:20pm with little incident.

Now I'm just tired and don't want to go to work.  And there's supposed to be a big snow storm tomorrow and ughhh.

So, Friday, February 5.  It happened.  Lots happened.

1) Snow storm.  Drove to M's house so that I would have an easier commute to work, there was surprisingly little traffic, got there at about 7:15-ish.  I can't remember exactly what happened, but we were probably up in his room cuddling, snuggling, kissing, making out a little, him playing with the boob he could easily access, in that order.

2) Snow storm.  Drove to work, skidded at 15mph and almost hit the car stopped at the light in front of me because my brakes sucked.  Pumped the brakes a few times and luckily I stopped about three feet behind their car.  That was super scary though, and it would've been the saddest way to get into an accident too.

3) Snow storm.  Made it to work in one piece.  No one else brought their lunch.  "I don't know, guys. Should we order out?"  "In this weather?"  I chimed in, "Well, you do have an intern!"  I volunteered and ended up ordering and picking up lunch for everyone.  Driving to the restaurant was scary, the roads were really bad.  I had never driven on such dangerous roads and it was actually rather scary.  I was only going 15mph, and I just remember a lot of skidding from that day.

Anyway, I picked up the food and tried to get out, but I ended up getting stuck in the snow for about 15 mins.  My senior called me and asked if I was okay, and I told her that I was stuck in the snow, but that I was fine.  She said to keep them updated so that they wouldn't be worried.  I agreed and hurriedly hung up because a nice guy with a truck and snow plow attached to its front drove up next to me and signaled for me to roll my windows down.  "It's not my job to clear these roads, but I think I can help you.  I would suggest you back up all the way down the hill until you're flat.  Then I'll clear a path and you can get a running start from the bottom of the hill."  I thanked him profusely and eventually made it back.  The second year texted me asking for my GPS coordinates so they could track where I was.  I text him back that I got out and was "omw."  He called and asked if I was okay and I said I would be at the office in about ten minutes.

When I got in, my senior informed me that the guys were ready to jump into the partner's new truck and basically come rescue me once they could determine my location, which was hilarious and adorable to hear.  Everyone got their lunch and all was fairly well.

4)  I met a guy, employee of the client.  Partner/Sr Mngr asked him, "Do you want to meet the best intern ever?"  I don't know his name, but he brought me to the CEO's (I think) office and showed me a book.  It was about a donation to my college.  He was very nice and friendly, and we chatted for awhile.  It was strange and interesting and I actually really enjoyed myself.  Too bad I don't know his name...

5)  We all left at 5pm.  After clearing off my car, I helped my senior clear off hers for a little bit, and then helped the first year.  I really like the first year, he seems cool and grounded, really friendly.  I'm warming up to the female senior too, and the male senior is nice but he intimidates me, especially seeing the way he talks to the first year.  The second year is super helpful and seems to be a great worker.

6)  I got gas, hung out at the client parking lot until M got home from shoveling snow from his parents' apartment that they rent out, and then drove to his house.  I helped his sister picking bean sprouts, then his mother got the table set up and we ate bahn houy (sp?).  There wasn't much conversation, though his parents talked to each other and M and I talked to each other.  His father asked me what my mother did, and if I had a father and what he did for work.  I asked him about how long it took them to shovel snow (he said "All day"- he had to basically just keep going out to shovel snow because it kept coming down).  It was a nice meal, if a bit quiet.  I didn't really talk to his mother because I didn't know what to ask her.

They offered me dessert and fruits after dinner.  I jumped on the dishes before M could stop me.  He tried to push me out of the way with his hip but I pushed back and it didn't work.  Then he started washing the dishes with a different sponge, which I put a halt to, and then he started to rinse the dishes, which was stupid because I was next to the drying rack.  His parents kept saying, "Just let M do it," but of course I wasn't going to let that happen.  We lingered around in the kitchen and I talked to his parents a little more.  Then I went to get my laptop from my car and when I came back in, M and I went up to his room.

7) Make out/Feel up.

"Is it weird if I change my pants now?"
"No.  You want to change them here?  I'll get you your water."
*M leaves to get me water, and I close the door and lock it.  I unzip my pants and there's a knock on the door.  M is back already*
"Wait, I haven't changed yet."
"I can't be in the room?"
"What? Why not?"
"Ugh, fine."
"Yay!"  *sits on the bed and smiles at me*
"Turn around."
"I can't see?"
"Why not?"
"But whyyy."
"Fine, I'll lie here and close my eyes."
"Nope, I don't trust you."  *moves pillow over the back of his head (he is face down)*
"Okay, fine.  What underwear are you wearing?"
"I don't know."

So, I changed my pants.  I got my laptop out and dawdled around a little. M was lying down next to me.  I took off my glasses and said, "How about I take a nap and you wake me up in fifteen minutes?"  "Okay."  We snuggled closer together.  After a minute, I opened my eyes and said, "Who am I kidding?  I'm not going to take a nap."  "Why not?"  "Because I can't.  I don't take naps."

M started playing around/massaging my boob(s) again.  He kissed me on the forehead and I just gave him that, "Really?" look.  He kissed me intermittently, on the forehead, on the nose, on the lips, on the cheek.  Eventually it turned into more intense kissing.  I was just really tired and too lazy to do anything more, though.  "You know, now I get what people mean when they say they're too tired to have sex."  "What?"  "Like," I said, trying to gather my thoughts, "Tiredness beats out wanting to have sex.  Like right now, even if I really wanted to, I'm too tired to have sex."  "Sshhh," M said, and placed a finger over my lips.  I laughed and lifted my chin to kiss his cheek.

We started making out a bit and he pulled me on top of him.  "You could've just told me to get up."  "I just wanted to rearrange our positions."  My legs were on either side of his hips, and I was leaning on my elbows.  "Put all your weight on me."  "I am!"  "No you're not.  I want to feel you put all your boob weight on my chest. Hahahaha"  "Hahaha I am, though!" (I'm pretty sure I was...at least as much as I could if he wanted my legs on either side of him).

I remember bits and pieces, as usual.  While I was on top of him, I started kissing his cheek.  When I moved on to kissing his neck, he turned his head to his right to give me better access, and I heard a change in his breathing, a hitch or something.  He had a look like he was starting to get really turned on, but I kissed his neck a few more times and then nuzzled into his shoulder.  I guess I killed the moment for him a little- perhaps he was expecting more of the neck-kissing.  He seems to really like it, actually.

Then there was more intense kissing and his hands moved down my body, grabbing at hips and behind.  His hands also trailed up my back, beneath my shirt.  While we were kissing, I shook my head "no" as he felt my bra strap.  "Uh uh," I said into the kiss, and he mimicked me, shaking his head no as well.  "It's too much of a hassle to get back on," I explained between the kissing.  We didn't have that much time before I had to leave.  He just moved on to more feeling up and massaging and squeezing.  His hips were also grinding up to me, and I pushed down as well.  I think the hard knot in his lower extremeties pressing up against my lower area was a boner, but I didn't really get to see, lol.  I just felt it, hard, against me, and his pumping motions actually made me cum a little.  It surprised me, and I hoped he couldn't feel the uncontrollable pulsing that was happening to me down there.

After more kissing: "Not fair," I said, "I can't touch you."  "Do you want to be on the bottom?"  "Yeah," I said jokingly.  "Okay."  He started to flip me over.  "No, no, it's okay, stay."  Too late, I was on the bottom now, and he was in between my legs.  He started his pumping motions again, and I wrapped my legs around his waist, easier with the sweatpants I was wearing than if I had been wearing the jeans from earlier that day.  I ran my hands down his back and tried to feel down to his ass, but it didn't work.  "Your torso is too long for me," I said as he kissed me.  M pulled away for a second and I saw him slightly smile at me, then felt him readjust so he was higher up.  I could more comfortably touch hiim wherever I wanted, "That's better."

The kissing got really intense for a moment there, so intense that our lips were almost uncomfortably wet.  After a bit, M started kissing my neck, and I moved my face to press into his shoulder.

I don't quite remember how everything sort of ended.  I left his house around 9:45 or so and made it back to my aunt's house at 10:10pm.  It was a pretty nice drive, the roads were clear.  When I got inside, I was seriously hungry so I ate a creamy bun.  I wondered if it was because of the make out/feel up session that I was so ravenous.  I also attempted to do my online trainings, but fell asleep.  I was ridiculously tired, and I had to get up to drive home the next morning for Chinese New Year.

So, I've been going to M's house every morning because it's close to the client site I need to work at.  It's easier to beat traffic that way, and we get to see each other.

Monday, February 1, I went to his house but couldn't stay that long because I was running seriously late.

Tuesday, I dropped off the migathang and bahn mi that I had bought him, he printed and scanned my tax return for me, then he pulled me into bed in the guest bedroom. He wrapped his arms around my waist and cuddled me. He kissed my forehead and my nose and eventually we started making out a little. Closer to the time I had to leave, he pulled away and, turning his back to me to check his phone, he said, "oh, morning wood". I pushed myself sort of on top of him and we got in a few kisses before I heard a noise upstairs. We both stopped and he said, "well, my mom is awake." "Yeah. I heard that."

He kissed me some more at the door before I left for work.  I got surprisingly intense before I pulled away and was like, "Seriously, I need to get to work."

Wednesday, I got to his house and was almost late for my phone call with my counselor, but this turned out okay. I was up in his room during the call and we hung out there for awhile. I met his sister for the first time today, and played some more with his dog. We eventually went back downstairs, I think because his parents were awake. I saw them again for the second time since last summer (?).  They offered me coffee in khmer and I refused in khmer, later his dad gave me some salted eggs.  When we were sitting at the kitchen table, I propped my head against my hands, and my elbows were on my knees. M leaned forward from his seat to kiss me. "I can't reach. You're gonna have to meet me like 20% of the way." I leaned my head to the left and he kissed the side of my head.  LOL.  We laughed.  "20% of the way?"

When I was leaving, I was walking ahead of him. I stopped at the door and was digging around for my keys, which for some reason I really couldn't find, despite my purse being small. M gave me a back hug and I felt his chin hook on to my left shoulder.  When I turned around, he kissed me on my forehead, then went for my nose but I didn't know that so I lifted my chin to kiss his lips and he ended up somewhere between, but then he kissed my nose properly. He said he'd bring me bubble tea at work one day, but I don't check my phone when I'm on the job, so we'll see how that pans out.

Thursday, we ended up in his room.  We laid in his bed together, snuggling for a while, and then he started going for my boobs.  "Having fun?"  "Yeah."  His hand actually went down my shirt and in the cup- he actually touched my boobs for the first time!  Whaaaaat.  I just kind of laid there, letting it happen, but also giving him a look like, "Really?"  I guess it was...nice.  His hands were really warm.  Oh, and at one moment he also said, "Hey, you know what's crazy?"  "What?"  "Thinking that 22 babies will come out of here."  He placed his hand on me down there briefly.  "Haha, yeah, that's never gonna happen."  "Why nooot?"  "Twenty-two?  You're insane."  "Fine, three."  "No."  "You only want two, that's not fair!"

Monday, January 18th
M called me in the morning.

M: You need to help me with this
Me: Uh, okay, you're gonna have to hold on because I just got out of the shower
Ooh, are you naked?
Yes. And?
I wanna see.
Haha maybe sometime in the future, dear.

He also said something strange while I was trying to help him with his paper.  He had said that we should do a brainstorming session, that would help him the most. So I told him to tell me what ideas he had.

M: You can lick honey off my neck.
Me: Huh?
And unbutton my shirt with your teeth.
And? What's next?
...I don't know.
Well, you need to work on that.

Was he trying to initiate phone sex?  O_O

Monday, January 25th
I was feeling down and not in the mood for the teasing.  I wanted support.  I had had a terrible first day on my first client, I was nervous and stressed and worried because I had more work to do at home and it was late at night.

Me:  Can I have a hug?
M:  Yeah.


Me:  That hug didn't work.  Can I have a kiss instead?
M:  No, not until you get all your work done.
But I am getting my work done.

I did not want to ask for a kiss.  I hate begging, and that's what it might as well amount to.  If we had been together, face to face, maybe it would've been different.  In any case, he couldn't read the mood I was in and so I got rather annoyed, though I hid it, of course.  I thought to myself that if he gave me a kiss later/at the end of the convo, I wouldn't want it.  Later:

M: Muah. Love you.  Good night.
Me:  Good night.  *hears something else*  Huh?
Night.  *hangs up*

Yeah...bad call, dude, bad call.  I think that's the closest I've gotten to actually becoming annoyed/mad with him.  Is this a sign of closeness?  Hm...

Tuesday, January 26th
I was at Baby Potato's house for my first client at this point.  M called me at 1am, I think.  He didn't pass his writing proficiency exam.

M: My life sucks right now.  The only good thing happening to me is you.
Me: (I couldn't really hear him)  Is what?
Aww.  That's nice, and not true.

Sunday, January 31st
M called me at around 9am.  I was still in bed sleeping.

Me:  *groggily*  Hello?
M: I have morning wood.
Oh.  That's fun.
Okay.  That's annoying.


M: I have morning wood.
Me:  I'm sorry, I can't help you.
Because.  What do you want from me, phone sex?
Hahaha yes
I can't.  It'll be the saddest attempt at phone sex ever.  I just woke up so I'll have no idea what I'm saying and it won't make sense.
LOL yeah, that's what I want from you.  Phone sex,  'I want you in my bed.  Naked.  Covered in chocolate syrup and whipped cream.  And snickers.  And reese's."

Monday, February 1st
First day on my second client!  I got up at 6:30am, left the house around 7am, reloaded my public transport card for the month, then walked to the office to get the mail requested of me.  Had to wait until 8am for the mail room to open, get the package, walk back to the car, and drove to M's house.  With traffic, I ended up at his house at 8:45am or so and could only spend ten minutes with him.  I also realized, on the way to his house, that I had forgotten the migathang, so I'm going back tomorrow to give it to him.

Anyway, I got to his house and when he opened the door we had a friendly, somewhat long kiss hello.  He hugged me and said, "I missed you," which for some reason surprised me.  I wasn't even thinking about missing or not missing.  Walked upstairs, his dog jumped and barked and I petted her so much, she's adorable.  M kept poking me in the stomach/side.  He was sitting down, and when he turned his back to me to play around with his dog, I gave him a back hug and he held my hands pressed against him.

After a few minutes, I said that I had to go.  "Noooo," he whined.  I had started to turn away and he gently held me back, turning me to face him.  He hugged my midsection (he was still sitting down), so my arms rested comfortably over his shoulders.  "I need to go, though."  "Noooo."  I rubbed his back.  This went on for a lovely minute, then I really had to go.  We walked back downstairs and when he started to kiss me goodbye, it was a long straightforward kiss.  I straightened my stance and crossed my arms, thinking that we would do what we usually do when we press lips for more than a few seconds, which is open our eyes and then laugh.  I was wrong.  He pulled away slightly to tilt his head, and then he turned it into a deeper kiss.  I think I was a bit out of it, because I couldn't really get my lips to do much action.  But I felt the tip of his tongue against the seam of my lips and I smiled.

We kissed for a minute, and I pulled away first.  It was satisifying, actually, having that feeling of his lips sealed to mine while I broke away.  He whined right as I left, too, telling me not to go.

Part 33: First Hair-Ruffling?

Sunday, January 10
We talked on the phone, and at the end:
M: Love you!
Me: *nervous laugh* Thanks
Wow.  Really?

Monday, January 11
M and I went to Red Robin with Ang and Shine.  At the end of the night, M and I had a longer kissing bit in car when he dropped me off.  He stuck his tongue in my mouth and I'm finding it pretty funny right now because of how unexpected it was.  He also spent some time ruffling my hair, which is something he's never done before.  In hindsight, it's one of those drama moments, except it's not the one I'd been waiting for.  Also, he's really taken to attacking me with Burt's Bees chapstick.  Apparently, the more he attacks me with it, the more he loves me, or at least that's what he said.

Talking on the phone tonight, he said that Shine thinks I'm nice, and that M and I look good together.  Oh, and also during dinner, Ang told me that when she first saw me, she thought I was only 18 years old and was like "what?!" at M.  That's the first time that anyone has ever thought me younger than my age!  It's always been that I look older!  Perhaps my face and age are reversing now muahahaha yes.  Also, M hung up with, "I love you.  Muah."

Friday, January 15
M dropped me off after dinner at Dave & Buster's and a viewing of Hateful Eight (which was a terrible second choice, we had wanted to go see something else, except I can't remember what it was).  He attacked me with more chapstick and I lingered in his car.  When we started to kiss, while he was still into it, I pulled slightly away after a few seconds.  I could see his eyes still half-shut, a slight, half-smile when I pulled away so soon.

"I love you."  There, I said it.
"Aw, I love you, too."

I don't know why I was surprised when he said it back to me.  If I had been him, I wouldn't have said anything and just kissed him.  Which, he did proceed to kiss me.  Although I was a little...sad?...I could feel him start to pull away first.  I guess I did have to get back inside, though.

So yeah, I said it.  And now he keeps saying, "Love you!" at the end of our phone conversations, and I have to respond in kind.  I'm glad I told him.  What if we died tomorrow?  I would have wanted him to hear it.  It didn't feel wrong, but...I think I still have my doubts.  For some reason, I'm yearning for more.  Maybe I just need to wait until I can spend a substantial amount of time with him.

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